I’ve been sitting here sitting on a weird ledge looking over some of phenon phen in the country of Cambodia. I'm watching the sky change from day to night. Ironically thats alot of which I was praying about. It’s weird how the sky changes. When I came outside i caught the sky in the grays. I saw a single bird fly through the gray sky…free flying. Not affected at all by the changing scenery. Or was it? Either way…the bird still went places. Still spreading those wings. Still going where it's creator spoke it to go. (this basically was my lesson Jesus taught me while I was in Thailand & a prophesy from my sweet ole teammate vanessa gave me).
Then as I sat with the Lord, Jesus painted in some pink. Brought some beauty and color to the gray. As I worshipped the Lord, I barely noticed the sky turn to night. As I have sat out here under the night sky, finally feeling a breeze, I’ve cired & cried & cried. I’ve flown like a bird. I’ve sat in peace, resting in God’s presence. I’ve smiled and giggled. I released my high hopes. And I’ve cried some more. I’ve asked the Lord, how I am possibly going to make it through my last two months, thriving not just surviving. I’ve asked for clarity and discernment about my future & for strength, grace and love. But most of all I’ve asked for peace. To call my raging sea. And he did. He always does.
“God moves in mysterious ways, He plants his footsteps in the sea and rides upon the storm”
This last week and a half I have been sick and at the end of my own strength every day. Some days I feel almost back to normal but most days I just wanted to survive. Teaching children English in the blazing heat while sick, can be a challenge! Some moments with Gods strength I thrived. A lot of moments actually. Two nights last week, after we taught classes we had an intercession night for Cambodia for three hours. It was led by our contact, Vuthy. Many of the young people we teach were there, as well as 11 ywam missionaries and then my team. For three hours we cried out to God, we worshipped, we fought for our brothers and sisters freedom, we cried out for our own. Guess what? I went into that night emotionally, physically; spiritually empty, barely able to stand. I left that night filled up. I was still physically exhausted, but my spirit was alive and well. And the next night I did it again. I layed on the floor of that church crying out to God in exhaustion, at the end of all my physical strength, but again Jesus showed up. This has happened again and again this week. And guess what? Every time Jesus shows up. Even when I found myself laying in bed sweating off a 103.6 fever.
“when all of a sudden I’m unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, I realize how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me, O how He loves us, how He loves us sooooo”
I’m learning (key word is learning) the beauty that comes when we are literally at the end of ourselves. This year God keeps taking me deeper. I keep thinking I hit the end of me, and he takes me deeper. I keep thinking I can’t take anymore, and then I do. I keep thinking my heart couldn’t possibly break anymore, and then it does. But guess what? I have peace that surpasses all understanding.
I’ll be honest with you, today has been a roller coaster. Some moments I completely trust that God is good, this is worth it and I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. Then about ten minutes later, I burst into tears, not wanting to ever get out of my bed again. Not wanting to lead a team, do feedback or fight the good fight that I know my spirit won’t let settle for anything less. I Wondered how much deeper, further, and rougher this ocean is that Jesus is leading me through. Wondering if its really worth it. My spirit knowing the truth but my flesh struggling to come into alignment. Complete wholeness I have been praying for.
But finally tonight, while watching the gray skies turn to black, resting in his presence. Crying out, once again. I finally find, a state of “raphah”. A place where my spirit is still and knows that He is God and in that place God brings HIS healing & power & peace.
I giggle to myself. I have been begging the Lord to give me some time alone, to give me moments to process my heart and this crazy race. And he has. Even if it means being sick.
Last Tuesday, I had another “I am weak moment” and Jesus led me to Matthew 11:28-30
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
All year the Lord has been speaking to me about this verse. But this particular morning God pointed out the part about finding rest for your soul. Not necessarily for my physical flesh but for my soul. And that I am finding is insanely more refreshing & life giving. Here I am, sick, having cried all day, completely worn out, but my soul has found rest, and thus my entire being feels better. My body can now rest. Also notice, who gives the rest. That is key. I wrote a blog about what all God taught me, hopefully I can finish it up and post it on here=)
In closing, God speaks to me a lot about being His light to the world. As I stare out into the city I see a lot of darkness. But then there are tall building beaming light. And Jesus reminds me that I matter, what He is doing matters, and that I am indeed bringing His light into this dark world. “God is light, in Him there is no darkness at all.”
ps. As I am sure you have noticed. I have been struggling to get blogs out. I have been feeling emotionally blocked up and sooo overwhlemed by everything that I see, expereince & feel that I want to process. I've been praying that the Lord would unravel everything for me, and I think this is the start. I would loveeeeeee prayer for my processing and blogs!!!
pps. i am in cambodia for about a week longer than i will be heading to viet nam. alot of my squad is sick so if you could pray for our health, that would be seriously wonderful! Thank you for all of you who have been praying for me already. Gods been healing me=)
I know that my blogs have been pretty non existant lately (which i am hoping to change). For my birthday, my sister surprised me with a video slide show of my first 7 months on the race. I want to share it with you!
God has done far more than i could have ever hoped and dreamed. He has rocked my foundation so that Im standing on Him alone, purified my heart and my mind, broken me more than i thought ever coulld be possible but somehow in that made me more whole, taught me what it looks like to have healthy confrontations, give me the joy of the Lord which is my strength, i can literally pee anywhere under any circumstance, and feel as though im spoiled to get my own bed, have running water and an avialable shower.
So until I get around to more blogging, enjoy my last 8 months in pictures, ohhhh and alitle bit of music video. If you read my very first blog "step out & walk on water" you'll know why amanda turned it into somewhat of a music video to that song!!!!!
I want to thank EVERY single person who has supported me emotionally, financially, spirtually and through prayer. Thank you thank you thank you. Jesus is doing so much through what you pour out to me.
If this video our pictures of my teams, people i have had the joy of loving on, the first woman i have ever healed, whit, who is my promise from Jesus, Julius, the baby boy who thinks i am his mazoongu mother, elephant riding, one of the best valentines day ever and much much more....
God is good. Did you know that? I do. I feel like I start to comprehend it, then Jesus takes me to a deeper level of craziness in His love. This has been a year of walking out Jesus’ promises, faithfulness & steadfast love.
Right now I am sitting in a room staring at a prayer wall, with hundreds of names of girls who I get to pray for. These girls are working as bar girls and prostitutes here in Puhket, Thailand. Most all of them feel as though they do not have a choice with their job because they have to send money home to support their families. However, we all know that we our God is a redeemer. This month I am partnering with a ministry that provides a way out for these girls. Through English classes, job trainings and providing places to live, this ministry shows God’s love to the men and woman of Bangala road.
That in itself is an awesome birthday present. But nope, Jesus has more. About a month before the race I started to tell people that I was going to get to snuggle baby elephants for my birthday, believe that that was a promise for my birthday, I had NO idea if I would even be around elephants!!!! Jesus told one of my team-mates to take me to see elephants for my birthday, and she had NO CLUE about the promise Jesus had given me!!!! What?!!?!?
But definitely the most special birthday gift, is that every single year, I get to be reminded of the precious gift of my twin sister. I wish I could write everything out about what this woman means to me. Besides the fact that we use to share a womb, she has been through every up and down in my life! She has taught me what it looks like to cling to God’s promises, to not give up when its hard, and to abandon everything for the sake of following God. She shows me what a real marriage looks like full of hardships and insane love (and fun). Amanda has showed me more than any other human (except maybe you moooom) what unconditional love looks life. A love that won’t give up, won’t quit, and won’t ever let go!
Last year me and two friends drove through the night to surprise her, so that we could be together on our birthday. We thought that would be our last day together for the next three years. However, even this year, we are basically in the same time zone, and through skype, feel like I have spent the day with her. Thank you God!!!! The best birthday present is getting to share it with my twin!!!! I love you so much. I love that Jesus connects our hearts no matter where we are at!!!!! I love that every single thing I give to Jesus in order to sacrifice to be exactly where He wants me. Jesus blows all my expectations out of the water. God is good, he is worth living a life fully abandoned for.
nepal hands down was an amazing month. even though i found myself crying in the midle of the night in an airplane bathroom after throwing up and entered into nepal with a horric flu, and woke up the day after thanksgiving vommitting...nepal was hands down the best month yet. . life chaning....i'll hopefully write more about that later...
I went from my a month where my word was "stronger to a month where my word was "broken(ness)". you see, the last week of nepal we had mini debrief.. where the entire squad got moved around. the five woman that i have lived with, slept next too, cried with, spoke truth over with, faught with, faught for, loved with all my heart, i had to release....and i gained 5 new wonderful teammates...somehow in all of this God told me that my word for this month is "brokeness". i thought, "thats funny because my word for last month was stronger." consenquently, i have cried more in the last two weeks then the last three months of this race. i feel broken. luckily my word isnt broken...its broken(ness).
tonight God got my focus off of me and my own brokness and onto the brokness of India. Everyday i wake up and care for, love on & embrace 90ish special needs orphans. Children without limbs, with scavies, HIV, TB, deaf, blind, ADD, and really any sort of thing. All of these children were abandoned by their parents because they were thought of as a curse to the family. Some children who just came to the orphange were rescued off the streets and still try to eat trash because that is what they were use to. all of these children were pronounce broken. but fortunately, God didn't see it as such as brought every child to be cared for in this orphange.
When i see each child, I don't see broken,
I see laughter,
i see a longing to be loved.
i see joy.
I see a world full of broken(ness)
and i see Jesus. Our healer.
This month for Christmas, Jesus gave me my own broken(ness). He gave me Himself. He gave me very very special orphans, that I get to pray over&love. What in the world else would i want to do on Christmas day!??!!?
Will you join with me and pray for India this christmas, pray for these orphans & their caretakers?
creative props: the 1st pictures was taken by my new teamate Angel Borthwick, the second and third picture was taken by Brianna Danese.
ps. out of broken(ness) comes life, growth, depth, a journey...
I absolutely love Nepal. Since my first day out on the town in Katmandu I have completely fallen in love with this country. The sites, the people, the culture, the scenic views, the mountains, the mustard seed fields, the banana trees, the musical instruments (hopefully ill write more about that in another blog…apparently I got ripped off when I bought a nepali guitar/violin type instrument on the street…but I looooove it). There is a million things to love about this country. But one thing specifically I have fallen in love with here is….five little orphans.
We are staying with a small church community. This community has adopted five little orphan children. Every morning we are greeted with huge hugs and kisses and sweet lovin. There is nothing that can melt a heart like little children squealing, “dee-da” when you walk by, which means older sister in nepali.
I have been watching these children every day, and have come to realize, that they do not live or act as if they are orphans. They act as if they are loved. They walk and live as though they belong. They know their place here in this community. They know that they are loved.
It reminds me of what God has been teaching me these last two months. That I am a daughter, not an orphan. I have been adopted by a very loving father. I do not need to live or act any longer as an orphan but to walk like I belong to the King. I need to live as a co-heir to the throne.
In Romania, I read this amazing book called, Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship by Jack Frost. This book talked about the difference it makes in a Christian when they act like an orphan rather than a son or daughter. Just because we have been adopted doesn’t mean that we automatically act like we belong. We need to choose to walk in that love, to claim it every day.
I no longer have to live insecure, I no longer have to compare myself or depend on what other people think of me. I know who my Dad is. I do not need to be jealous of other peoples blessings or gifts or talents.
I know who I am. I am a Queen like Ester. I am a Co-heir and Conqueror. I am clothed with strength and confidence. Why? Because my Dad is I AM. "I know I AM therefore I know who I am." (jonathan david hessler)
For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, "Abba, Father."
Romans 8:14-16
i am in Moldova!!!! we have been here about a week and a half.
life here looks much different....and i LOVE it!!!! It's like we have gone back into time 50 years.
i am seriously learning that my Lord is all i need but man God delights in giving us special delights, such as english breakfast tea, chocolate, wild flowers & fall leaves!
I am learning to enjoy the simple things i once took for granted, such as washing my hands with water! (needless to say we don't shower much)
My squad got to spend the weekend with a squad that is going into their LAST month. It has been an insane blessing. They breathed so much life into us and brought such great reminders of why we signed up for this crazy adventure. They gave me a renewed fire to fight for unity and love in my team and my squad. God has CRAZY amazing for our future. I'm excited.
Tonight the Lord spoke to me about, how ya it took a lot of sacrifice to get my body to where I am today, but that He doesn't just want my body here. He wants me to choose in every day. God wants to walk deeper with me. To keep loving and opening up with His strength and not to ever give up, because He's not giving up on me.
I will soon have a update blog about life here in Moldova but until then check out a video my team mate Krystle made about our last days in Romania (she works very hard on these videos and i get to use them!!!)
ps. your emails, facebooks, blog commects words of encouragement and prayer, make my day when i get internet. thank you for all of you who are so dedicated to pray, support and keep in touch with me. it means so much.
I'm going to be honest. Today, I was moving forward with jesus throughout my day but barely even able to force myself into doing ministry. i was fighting to be fully engaged with our last day of gyspy ministry. My body has been run down and sick since before i even entered Romania, and i just was struggling to kick it today.
My team mate said, "ruth just hold a baby". hmmm ok...i wasnt sure what that would look like but i snuck that away in my mind...
later on in the day (after getting to snuggle sick puppies)....
I heard a baby with no daiper on crying as his brother dragged him by two wheels in his stroller...instatly i thought, "this baby needs to be held...it doesnt have any daiper on and its coverd in pee & poop...im going to get this all over me..." and without even thinking i picked him up and started to rock him...
I instinctively, as if he was my nephew, started to sing him a lullaby about Jesus that i use to sing to the kids i babysat growing up. The baby, while still looking very unhappy, stopped crying.....
As i sang to Him, my eyes welled up with tears. Jesus showed me how he picks me up when im covered in filth and disgustingness and just snuggles me. He loved me, while i was still a sinner. And he loves me still today.
I could feel the pee seeping through my clothes, but i didn't care, i only cared that this baby had stopped crying. My love for this child, overshadowed every other thing. I prayed over his life. I prayed that my hands would be the Lords hands. I prayed that he would grow up knowing that He has been held by Jesus love and when he's 15 he's still being held by Jesus. I got to be Jesus love and arms to him today.
When we had to leave and i had to hand the baby back to his brother, the baby started to cry, and continued to cry as we said our goodbyes and walked away. i walked away to a 7 year old boy waving at me, holding a 6 month old child, who was still crying, crying out for love.
heart.break.ing.
but I got to be Jesus to a baby. i'll never forget that. i understand just a bit more about God's love and grace for me.
thank you for helping be apart of physically and spirtually brining the Kingdom of God to Romania. your prayers, encouragement and financial support are effcting this Kingdom more than you realize...
loose yourself and you will find it....is that why i feel lost?
maybe. is that whats going on? i dunno.
im listening to adam young's amazing version of my favorite song ever, in christ alone. so good. right now i feel connected. at peace. so then why do i feel lost?
its so weird. i'm in the process of dying. i have cancer and i know that it has to go. i know that i have a ginormous tumor that needs to die. what is my tumor?
its selfishness. its lack of love. its vain conciet. its lazyness. its comfort. its the drive for my own self glory. its jealousy, its contempt. it's infecting my entire being. eating me alive.
i've never had cancer, i know its horrible and so hard to walk through.
i know that if not treated it willl kill you.
i've heard people say, the closer they get to the Lord, the more they realize their sin. ive had those moments, but none as much as now.
i've been wrestling with the Lord this week. God, do i get a day off from the world race?!?!?! a day when i don't feel sick and still have to press through, when i dont have to choose joy, when i don't have to do feedback, when i don't have to choose others above myself. when i can just stay home and watch tv? (don't get me wrong this month we get TWO DAYS OFF a week...we are very blessed, we are deffinetely given time to rest)
Jesus simply said, "if you want one, take it. sit on your bucket. but do you want to choose me or choose you? do you want to choose life or death, do you want to settle or engage in the wild exciting plan i have for you? come away with me..."
God is so good. so patient so kind. He is so sweet. He has been gives me choices. but the reality is that its no choice at all. because its either choose me or choose Him. choosing me is not satisfying. choosing Him, may be hard. but its rewarding. its what i really want. less of me. more of Him.
theres a wierd part of me where its hard to have all of this go
but theres a HUGE part that is ripping it out with a spoon
as fast as i can...
i want this fight between my flesh and spirit to cease.
i want this tug o war gone.
i just want my Spirit to win.
"i want all fears and striving to cease
My comforter my All in All.
Here in the Love of Christ i stand...
there in the ground His body way
Light of the world by darkness slain
then bursting forth in glorious day
up from the grace He rose again
and as He stands in VICTORY
sins curse has LOST its grip on me
FOR I AM HIS
and HE IS MINE...
bought with the precious blood of Christ
no guilt in life...
no fear in death....
this is the power of Christ in me...
from lifes first cry till final breath
Jesus commands my destiny...
till he returns or calls me home
here in the power of Christ i'll stand..."
"And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart." Ezekiel 36:26
i've been processing the cost of being a disciple.
it cost everything.
all of me has to die.
how much of me?
all.
what?
yah. its true.
what does that even mean?
does that mean i give God missing being apart of best friend(s) weddings. my relationship. my hopes and dreams of being married, not seeing my sister for three years. the birth of my first neice, my comfortable bed and gluten free pizza? is that what you mean when you say to give you everything? surely that is enough...right????
thank you for giving that to me Ruth...but I want more...
what more could you want Jesus?
everything.
I want your attitude. every desire. every hope and every dream. i want every motive. and every word that you say, i want every part of your day. i want that time when you walk 5 miles home from the villages, i want your first thought in the day, i want the food that you eat, i want to be apart of your every second, i won't relent until i have it all.
but guess what ruth?
what?
If you cling to your life, you will lose it, and if you let your life go, you will save it.*
so if i give you my life, thats how i save it? you the one who knows all and created me and loves me wayyyyy more than i love myself? welllll...If everything is yours I'm letting it go God, it was never mine to hold.....**
We have just finished our second week in Romania! Woahhhh...
Every day looks alittle bit different. The Pastor of the Church we are working with has such a heart for the city we are in, Targu Mures and the outside villages. So we pray...and then we go whereever the Spirit leads...
Some of the things we do each week:
Prayer walks through the city.
Visit nearby Gypsy villages. The home gypsies are outcasts in socitety. They live in the middle of cornfields without any electricity. We play with the kids. And we pray, worship and minister with the parents. Although they have nothing, some of these people have so much faith in the Lord. It's always such a special time. I will be dedicating blog entries to that soon.
Stop by peoples houses and pray. The pastor knows families who are in need of prayer and worship. We stop by their house and pray healing, strength, comfort and whatever the Lord lays on our hearts for them.
Friday evenings we have a youth meeting. We invite people to it all week in the parks, univiersitys, bus rides and around town.
Saturday evening is church. We have been leading worship and sharing our testimony at church. We had our flyers in parks and around town to people we meet. Last week, two of my team mates met an ederly man in the park who knew no english. But they prayed with Him and gave Him a flyer - and HE SHOWED UP FOR CHURCH!!!! We were all so excited.
We go into hospitals and pray over those with cancer. This is always a special time as one of my squad-mates has a mother battling cancer right now.
Park ministry. There are so many parks here. People just hang out in them. We do prayer and worship in the park. We hand out flyers, invite people to church, pray with people, and share Jesus with them.
One of my team mates, Krystle, made a video capturing our first week of ministry! Check it outttttt....
